Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Envy in Life

Since it seems that no one reads this much - I figure that I will put what I really think on the page - rather than having to worry about who might read it and what they will think.

I have a great friend who is older than I who was looking for houses.  His family is well established and they do quite well for themselves.  As my family and I struggle to work towards no debt and hopes of owning our own home, my mind is clouded with nothing but wishes that I could provide the type of living that he does for his kids.  They have so many opportunities that my kids don't have.

Being that I was married quite early in life, I didn't have a great chance to put away a rainy day fund.  When my wife and I were married only about a year, we fell for a mail scam and were instantly in debt $3600.00 and because we wanted to do the right thing, we took out a loan for the full amount with the credit union.  The next series of fortunate and self inflicted evens were catastrophic to our financial standing.  We rented six apartment/houses in a period of roughly 2 years.  Each lease we began, we didn't fulfill one of them.  We threw away close to $5000 in that space of time and increased our debt to around $20,000.  There was always a better place to live for a better price.

In our fifth house we were nearly bankrupt.  We were living in plummer with next to nothing and little food.  We had no income and we were about $1500 behind on our tithing.  We had no furniture other than a table to eat at, and beds for our children.  My wife and I slept on a mattress on the floor.  We could barely manage to pay our rent of $400 dollars.   I tried to find a job and ended up working and faking that I knew how to do foundation work so that we could make some money.  I leaned a great deal on one of my friends, who had moved to Plummer, ID about 3 weeks prior to our moving there, quite heavily to help me know what to do with the foundation.  He would tell me what I needed and how to do and I would get the materials and fulfill his instructions.  When that project was done, we had just enough money to get out of Plummer and I had accepted a dead end call center job in downtown Spokane, WA.

We moved to the Valley of Spokane right across for where I was going to school.  I was making little money and we were moving further and further into debt.  We were close to hitting $40,000 dollars in debt at this point.  Most of it from school loans and Credit Card debt.  While working at the call center job, I interviewed at a local credit union for an IT Help Desk position and was pleased to accept their invitation to work there.  Since then, I have graduated with an Associates degree and have been on a six month break.  

About the same time that I took the IT job, we found out that we were pregnant with our third child.  This was huge news for us as we had been trying for two years.  We were blessed about 6 months later to be approved for a loan for a van to carry the lot of us together.  I truly have been given a lot and I have tried so hard not to be complacent during the hard times.  I think that looking back on the whole thing, I led us down a number of "strange paths".  They of course were just the outlet of a much greater issue.  My inside soul and lack of temperament.  

It turned out that my lack of confidence and lack of leadership had in fact brought us to the place that we were. While I wished that I could be someone who had it all at the beginning, I would, and am learning that it is a slow process.  There are certain things that must be learned slowly.  I am 23 years old.  I have three children and I have been married for 5 years.  I live paycheck to paycheck in hopes of providing a better life for my children than what my parents gave me.  I have realized that I am not as good of a father as I thought I was.  I have so much to learn about being patient.  I am not who I thought I was in the grand scheme of things.  I am imperfect.  I am envious of others talents.  I am disgruntled.  I wish that I had more money, less debt and a better outlook on the whole thing.  

Truly I hope that my children turn out with a better understanding of how the world works than I did.  I hope that my children understand that things aren't free no matter how much you want them to be, of how much you think that they should be.  I hope that I don't mold into a hard and broken old man.  Many of the ideals that I thought the world would share with me, are not existent in the world.  Not only that, but there are so many things that I thought that I could change, and I didn't do any of it.  

I am going to be a working stiff who will work until he can't move any more and may not have a retirement fund.  I have a feeling that I will spend my life working to make my children better off that I was and I will be left with nothing to show for it.  My wife wants a large family.  I want the children we do have to have a good work ethic and to know how the world works.  I want them to be prepared, more so than I was.  I want them not to throw away my adolescence like I did.  I hope and pray that they choose the better path and seek for truth.  Here is the best part though, they need an example.  I will be that for them.  I have promised myself that I will be a good father no matter what I give up for myself.  I will be the father that I didn't have.  


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